Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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