i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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