i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Randomize
