I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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