Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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