you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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