just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
