if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
organizing the empties. That sober.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize