K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
