It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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