Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
