I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
