This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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