the new term for farting is butt boxing.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
