I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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