she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
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