Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
