you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
