Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
