You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Randomize
