I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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