I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
