I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
