I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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