Sponge bath it is.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
