my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
