You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
