i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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