He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
