Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
