The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
