im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
