Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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