So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
