I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
