how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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