i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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