am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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