I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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