dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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