I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
