you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
