dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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