I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
