fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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