apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
