so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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