someone threw a dead crab at me
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
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