I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
