My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Randomize
